For Richard Collins of Windham, grief is not something he’s been able to get over easily. It’s not something that he woke up one morning and said that it’s over, it’s something he carries with him every day. Yet he believes that if others experiencing grief can learn to manage it and honor the person they miss, it is something incredibly sad that can be turned into something positive.
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| Richard Collins of Windham holds a photo of his two sons, Cody, left, and Kyle. Cody Collins died at the age of 23 in November 2015 and his father helped create a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, a group to support families who have had children die. PHOTO BY ED PIERCE |
Both of Collins sons were born in Washington state and were still in school when Collins relocated the family back to his home state of Maine. His oldest son, Kyle, was in high school while his youngest son Cody, was in middle school.
“Cody liked Washington state and didn’t like it here,” Collins said. “He missed his friends in Washington.”
But because his family was here, Cody adapted and graduated from Windham High School as a junior in the Class of 2009 with honors. He decided to attend college in Washington state and attended Bellevue Community College in Bellevue, Washington and then was accepted to transfer to the University of Washington.
Things were looking up for Cody when he called his father in Windham on Sept. 22, 2012, and said he wasn’t feeling well, he had been throwing up, had diarrhea and was dehydrated. He ended up going to a hospital and called his father back to tell him that he had been diagnosed with leukemia.
His father brought him back to Maine to be near family as he was going through treatment. Cody ended up having stem cell transplantation surgery and not long thereafter, he felt better and got the OK to return to college. But a month after returning to school in Washington state, his father received a phone call that Cody had been admitted to a hospital in Seattle and was suffering from Graft versus Host Disease, resulting from his previous stem cell transplant surgery.
“He had beaten cancer but now he needed a lung transplant,” Collins said. “Before that could happen, he died at the age of 23 on Nov. 18, 2015.”
Cody’s death sent his family into a tailspin. His older brother, Kyle, was so grief-stricken he couldn’t talk about his brother dying and to this day, finds it difficult to speak about it. He was supportive of his father but finds it painful to discuss.
As for his father, the loss of his youngest son was a devastating blow to Collins.
“Everybody grieves differently,” he said. “As a parent I felt like my heart was ripped out. I was shocked and overwhelmed.”
After Cody’s death, Collins had funeral services in Washington and here in Maine for Cody and heard about a grief support group at a local hospital. They offered a six-week course in dealing with grief and through that, Collins learned about a group called The Compassionate Friends who supported families after a child dies.
There was only one chapter of The Compassionate Friends in Maine and that was in the Lewiston-Auburn area. There Collins met other bereaved fathers like him and found it helped him process his son’s death.
“I was in a group where people understand,” he said.
The Compassionate Friends organization was originally started in 1969 by two couples who lost children in an automobile accident in England. Its first U.S. chapter was created in 1972.
Collins says he decided to help form a local chapter to support other families in Southern Maine who experience what he has been through.
“It hit me that this was a great way to honor my boy,” he said.
Launched on the fifth anniversary of Cody’s death, 19 individuals attended the Portland chapter’s first meeting, and it has grown over the years since. The support group meets on the third Thursday of every month at 7 p.m. at The Rise Church at 1047 Congress St. in Portland. There is no cost to participate, and all the group’s facilitators are bereaved themselves.
“The point is we want to let people know, especially during this time of year, that there is support for them and they are not alone,” Collins said. “We want people to know we’re there for them.”
If he had lived, Cody would be 32 today.
Collins said being part of The Compassionate Friends has helped him tremendously and thinks if Cody was still alive today he would say, “Way to go Dad.”
To learn more about The Compassionate Friends of Portland, call 207-200-3651 or visit them online at https://portlandcompassionatefriends.org/ or send an email to TCFofPortandME@gmail.com <
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